Sometimes I feel like everyone in Miami has a six pack and I’m not going to lie, it makes me feel self-conscious.
It usually happens when I’m in a fitness class and to no fault of anyone else.
Am I not good enough to be here? Am I not fit enough to be working out with these women?
It sounds insane, but I know I can’t be alone here.
For too many years being a particular size made me feel worthy. I worked out for the wrong reasons and restricted food because I thought that a number printed on a pair of jeans would make me happy.
Sure it sort of made me feel good on skinny days, but then I’d feel worthless on other days.
I was so fixated on my outward appearance, I failed to realize my internal body was suffering and over time it became more and more difficult to maintain that size.
Mind you I was eating pretty clean, gluten-free, minimally processed foods, but I wasn’t listening to my body. I was going out drinking too often and eating mindlessly. I never connected with my food, I’d just go through the motions.
In one of my phases, I wouldn’t even eat avocado because it had too many calories, just to give you an example of the craziness.
This lifestyle left me feeling drained and threw my body out of whack. After gaining about fifteen pounds (on my 5’2″ frame) over the course of a few years, my self-worth reached an all time low. My hormones and gut bacteria were completely messed up. I was bloated every single day, felt exhausted, and constantly craved sugar.
For a while, I would try to focus on healing myself, but It felt like I was stuck in a perpetual cycle of trying, failing, hating myself.
Then this January, I made the commitment to stop making excuses. I touched on it in this post.
I’ve had to retrain my mind to accept my body where it’s at right now and talk to myself in a kinder way.
I’ve learned to eat more mindfully, for energy and for healing. And I try to look at each new day as an opportunity to improve, to be better, to be stronger.
Still, I get little frustrated when results don’t happen overnight and sure I feel a twinge of insecurity when I’m surrounded by super fit women, but I don’t let it consume me like I used to.
I’ll continue to show up for classes confidently and remind myself how lucky I am to have this body that does so much for me.