In conversations with friends, I’ve been noticing a common theme. Many of us ladies are trying to control every aspect of our lives because we believe if we can attain a perceived level of perfectionism it will make us happier.
If only I had perfect glowing skin. If only I could feel confident in a bathing suit. If only I’d wake up each morning feeling inspired to work diligently toward my goals. If only…
And maybe we’re successful at it for a while, we have an incredible week or two and we’re on top of our game and everything’s running smoothly.
But then we have a bad day. Someone hurts our feelings. We drink one too many margaritas, wake up with blotchy skin and skip the workout we’d planned.
When Life begins to feel a little chaotic and out of control again we feel guilt, shame, and fear.
I personally feel like I’ve let myself down yet again. I’ve failed to live up to my own expectations.
A lack of self-acceptance in the now.
A part of me believes if I just keep trying over and over again maybe I’ll get it right. Maybe someday I’ll master this like a robot and then, only then will I truly love and accept myself.
In the process of trying to be this idealized version of myself, I’m subconsciously setting unrealistic rules to follow. I’ve made so many damn rules up in my mind, I could write the book, Self Made Rules I’ve Failed To Follow.
And when the rule book inevitably fails me, I make new rules in place of the old rules and the cycle continues.
Only recently I’ve realized that my soul is legitimately rebelling against the rules. It’s like ‘there is no fucking way I’m following these dictatorial rules and it’s about time you learn to love and accept yourself as you are in the present moment’.
So here I am at a standstill with this inner conflict. It’s not easy to untrain years of emotional self-abuse, it’s not like I can turn off the switch in my brain that tells me I’m only worthy of love and happiness if I follow the imaginary rule book.
So what can I do?
I can observe when my controlling inner voice makes a cameo and choose to surrender. I mean fully embracing the fact that I’m an emotionally driven human being with flaws just like every other person on this planet.
I can choose to challenge the thoughts as they come up, breaking the rules one by one and consciously deciding to accept where I’m at in the present moment.
Most of us all want to be the best we can be, the prettiest, the smartest, the most successful, whatever that might mean to us on an individual level. But wanting to be better all of the time is saying “I’m not good enough now”.
And If you’re not good enough now, do you think you’ll ever be good enough?
Although a part of me has known this all along and I’ve pushed it away, almost as if wanting to skip the step. I feel that self-love and acceptance become necessary if we want to continue to evolve on our paths to becoming our best selves.